POSITIVE
My eyes are closed and I’m deep into a Vipassana scan of my body. There isn’t a trace of sound in a room of 100 other focused souls. I’m nine days into a ten day silent mediation retreat in the mountains of the Kanchanaburi province of western Thailand. I’ve suffered greatly, with deep pains in my body – my bones, fascia, muscles all feel the wear of sitting unmoving ten hours a day. Yet, the body pains, silence and isolation are the least of the challenges - it’s mostly about the inner journey. A number of times I wasn’t sure I’d make it till the end. I traveled on a roller coaster of energy, emotion, doubt, grief, empowerment, compassion, forgiveness, love. Despite the suffering, or perhaps as a result of it, my mind has become razor sharp, with no distractions.
In this moment, I’m experiencing something unique – I have free-flowing awareness of my entire being. I reach a point where I stop scanning my body and just feel its’ entirety all at once. In my mind, my physical form completely dissolves into its molecular structure. And as ephemeral as it sounds, I simply become one with the universe. My mind is perfectly clear and I feel nothing but unconditional love for all beings. I’ve never experienced such a feeling. I’ve spent a lifetime battling my ego. I’ve climbed metaphorical mountains and danced with my traumas for so long to reach this. I’m no longer holding on to any of it…In an instant I’ve let go of so much. I feel liberated.
Those who know me might think I’ve joined a cult or have been possessed. Though this is my second retreat and I’ve practiced Vipassana meditation regularly for a decade, I’m not one for spiritual superlatives. I walk firmly among those of our secular and skeptical universe. Yet, this gift I’ve been given of the Vipassana technique, squares pretty well with my deepest sensibilities, as it challenges our obsession with outward focus by offering an empirical method to turn inward and understand our truest physical essence. Vipassana simply points out something we’ve forgotten or missed about our capabilities as humans to examine ourselves. Moreover, it gives us tools to scrub our bodies, and deep ravines in our minds, of impurities and traumas that we carry for our entire lives. It’s powerful stuff if you use it properly and doesn’t require buying into religious, dogmatic isms.
Now, I’m back in Bangkok, with an intentional decompression spacer before I start the adventure part of this journey (with Judah joining soon, woot). I’ve been pondering my annual word-of-the-year (shout out to SDB for her inspiration to start this years ago). In 2022 my word was “growth” and I realized this with some significant personal and professional advances. In 2023 my word was “nomad” and clearly this has manifested. I haven’t traveled so much since I was in my twenties and I’m here for it all. I’ve been to Mexico three times, Australia, Europe, Utah, Paso, LA, East Coast, and now Thailand.
I came upon this year’s word during the brain salad surgery of this retreat and feel like it embodies exactly what I seek to manifest next year.
My word for 2024 is “positive”.
What I love about this intention is that the word positive has many forms. I feel like I’m not only capable of, but am in need of, a multi-faceted objective. I’m ready for the challenge. I want to strive for so much having found this liberation from some of my deepest hinderances. There are three interpretations the dictionary offers which appeal to me:
Positive: Consisting in or characterized by the presence or possession of features or qualities rather than their absence.
In this sense I see the word offering a counter to the mindset of lacking. So often I think it’s easy to slip into seeing the world in negative spaces, verses flipping it towards the positive. With an optimistic perspective and a view where challenges represent opportunities, the world becomes a much richer realm. I’ve leaned towards cynicism for much of my adult life, perhaps as a defense mechanism, or some other insecurity. I’m ready to embrace a brighter, more inspiring outlook.
Positive: Constructive or confident. Showing progress, gain or improvement.
This is clearly something worth embracing for 2024. In every aspect of living, I seek to take the reins and push forward. I have every intention to level up the semi-nomadic life and apply my learnings from the experiments of 2023 towards an even more rewarding agenda. I also plan to rededicate myself to the progress of my existing businesses, while doubling down on my new projects. I have so much fire to keep creating, collaborating, building things, breaking things…to keep moving forward.
Positive: With no possibility of doubt; clear and definite.
Certainty can be a slippery slope. If we are over-confident and arrogant, we may miss opportunities for growth. Additionally, expectation and attachment are the causes of suffering. So please take any “my, I, mine”with the caveat of awareness of impermanence. Yet, at the same time, if we cannot establish a sense of clarity, there’s no footing beneath our path. So, as I look towards 2024 I want to ground in my 54 years of experience and use any wisdom I posses to better my life and of those around me. I know for certain that sharing with, giving to, experiencing with, and growing my community is essential to my joy. I know, without question, that opening up to new experiences and places is my prime directive. I am clear that taking risks, exploring my creative world, working smarter (not harder), and obliterating the notion of work/life balance makes each day a treasure. And I am now positive that offering unconditional compassion and love to everyone I encounter is life’s greatest gift.
Back in the meditation hall, I’ve returned to my body and I feel an uncomfortable, yet uplifting, glow in my heart. I’ve never allowed myself to sit with joy in this way. In that moment, I didn’t want to taint my balance and equanimity with any cravings or desires. I had to process this for a moment. Somehow, the me-that-was simply didn’t feel worthy to hold this feeling and I would push it down in favor of a more familiar numbness. But in that moment I decided that I was going to allow this, and never let that mentality of lack take hold and suppress again. It wasn’t something to crave, it was simply something to permit. I get to feel joy if that’s what my body sought. I was ready to let go of a long-standing aversion to this emotion. I told myself, in a positive affirmation, “I am a good person”. This may be the first time in my life that I truly believed it.
I opened my eyes and I saw a young meditator sitting in front of me with his head in his hands. He had been struggling the entire retreat and was clearly deep in his own journey. I wanted to place a hand on him and tell him that it will all be ok and help fix his struggles. But I knew that his experience needs to be his own. Perhaps the most important lesson I took this year is a simple concept that I’ve always known, but never could fully embody until now: We are 100% responsible for our own suffering. We are 100% responsible for our own joy. The challenge is to find your power and the tools to manage that responsibility. Only when you realize this truth the greatest stuff in life is available to you. Of this I am positive.
May everyone find their deepest joy in the coming year. I am grateful to have you, and continue to share my journey with you.